I am a mother with empty arms

Today is Mother's Day in America and I feel very low. I've been thinking of Leo and a lot of memories came back with an overwhelming feeling of loss and devastation.

I received couple of messages from my friends with Mother's Day wishes. Yes, I know, I am a mother too, I carried and gave birth to my baby, but the true is that right now I don't have a baby in my arms. My son is not growing, I am not breast feeding, I don't go through all the joys and scares of motherhood, I don't get up at night because my baby is teething or crying. A pushchair I bought for Leo still stands empty in my office. All his clothes neatly folded in a drawer never have been used. I have so much love for him and he is not here to receive it.

I've been trying to be brave, I really have. Deep inside however I am just broken and lost.

I don't like seeing other mothers interacting with their babies, I feel an overwhelming sorrow watching them. I feel angry hearing mothers complaining how hard it is to take care of a baby, how busy they are and how tired they feel. I would give anything to be able to take care of my son, experience all these sleepless nights and be an exhausted and busy mother. I became more judgemental and less forgiving. I feel guilty about my emotions and I feel that I am a bad person judging others so harshly.

I have changed. I am more bitter, more emotional, more... I avoid baby shops. I've tried to go in but I need to go out immediately because I cannot breath and I just want to cry. I feel an envy when I see a woman walking by with a rounded tummy and rubbing it softly. I remember how wonderful I felt carrying my baby and how I loved my big bump.

Today the whole day is about mothers - mothers celebrating with their children receiving hand-drawn cards, shops full of cards and flowers, TV news, social media posts, advertisements... And I feel so lonely in the middle of all of this, so isolated.

People tell me that they admire me for carrying on with the pregnancy after my son was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. They say that I am so brave and so strong. I didn’t want to be brave, or strong. I just wanted my baby.